Homer Simpson is not amused

The greaseless Bobby Brown is a triangular sugary treat, cooked in an electric appliance using moulds.

It costs less to make and sells four times as fast than old-fashioned doughnuts. Easy to digest and toothsome. So the ad says.

But it ain't a doughnut. They've got the shape wrong. That's the reason after all these years, donuts are still round.

"Greaseless", 1931
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Did you take a shower?

The claim that a deodorant "builds protection day after day" is pure fanciful advertising exaggeration. It only implies that the wearer of the deodorant does not shower very frequently.

Or if the wearer does sometimes shower, then certain parts of the body go without soap.

"Speed stick", 1968
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Meat? Really?

If there was ever a sillier name for a trade organisation, the "America Meat Institute" -sponsor of this ad- takes the cake.

Also silly is the claim that luncheon meat is goodness in a can... 12 hearty, tasty ounces of it.

The reality is that packed meat is actually high in salt and cholesterol, it is manufactured from the unsaleable bits and bobs that nobody wants to eat, and is considered an emergency erzats for when you can't actually eat real meat.

"Meat", 1947
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Huge dog

The ad department in charge of this ad was not thinking clearly when they came up with the idea.

Considering the size of a real Scottish Terrier, the baseball bat must be three or four inches long. Which makes the kid a dwarf. Or at least a midget.

"Champion", 1950
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Play the Xylorimba

That's right - the "Deagan Xylorimba" is possibly the easiest musical instrument to learn. Ever. And it's also loads of fun within your reach!

"Xylorimba", 1931
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No teacher necessary -you can teach yourself, even if you can't read a single note of sheet music. And the ad even says that you can make lots of money playing at dances and weddings - sixty dollars a week was six times the average weekly wage - a really big incentive in the midst of the Great Depression.

But unfortunately, this ad has all the trademarks of a scam.

The most lifelike arm ever invented

Try inserting this ad in a modern magazine.

"Armless", 1924

You will be sued to death by everyone out there! But it does have a catchy heading, doesn't it?

Magnetic sharpener

This has to be near the top of the list of loonie claims of the Twentieth Century.

"Harnessing Magnetic Energy" to sharpen a knife -or a razor blade like in this ad- by re-aligning the steel molecules at the edge. This ad just ticks all the right boxes: big words, dubious claims, a quasi-magical product with no competition and the promise of lots and lots of money.

"The most efficient shaving aid ever invented" seems to be just another direct sale scam. But the 1930's art is pretty sharp. Pun intended.

"Sharpen razor blades", 1931
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The Detec-to-cell

The art in this ad is fantastic -the images of the policeman with the gun and the car yelling for help make you want to buy this product.

It's an ad for selling the Robot Detec-to-cell- and the claims of the device are the usual barrage of hyperbole - but a sentence like "...stands constant and faithful guard..." deserves a special mention for creativity.

"Electric cell", 1931
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Click, click, click

According to this ad in a well-know American music magazine, in the early sixties Australia is still a land of... sheep-rearing people.

"Click go the shears" is a traditional Australian folk song. Not surprisingly, it is about men shearing sheep. Surprisingly enough, someone used this concept to draw the reader's attention into the growth and popularity of American music in the Australian market.

Talk about stereotypes. And gotta love the photo of the factory -near Sydney- at the bottom of the piece.

"Click go the shears", 1963
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More uranium riches

Reading our stack of old magazines we learn that the uranium prospecting madness peaked around 1955 and died out over the next year. Maybe after hundreds of eager prospectors threw their money away and got nothing in return.

Like in many other boom and bust scenarios, word spreads quickly when things don't turn out as advertised.

Here's one advertisement promising riches on the uranium bonanza. Yeah, right.

"Find uranium", 1955
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And here's another one -located in the opposite page of the same magazine. At least this ad promises the reader a money saving kit.

"Uranium geiger kit", 1955
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Simple is better

Somehow the message of fun and simplicity is lost on the following piece.

The ad talks a lot about the "stainless steel trim", the "new appealing bowling colors" and there's even a mention about the "nylon rail guard". And it's easy to service too.

Only at the very end of the copy it says something about the user experience. "Six profit-proven games-in-one". Wtf?

But it does not say squat about them, either.

It's a coin-op amusement machine, for crying out loud. It's supposed to be fun. And simple.

"Strike ball", 1963
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They never wear out

Some ads have such outrageous art in them that you can't help but stare. Look at this piece. I mean, seriously, look at "Baldy the Slick".

Is that cool or what? A gigantic car tyre with a criminal past waiting to destroy your car and stop you in your tracks. It doesn't get any better than this.

Sadly, the copy is not up to such a high standard and it plays heavily on the statement that the tyres "never wear smooth" - whoa, are they made out of kryptonite or something?

"Public enemy", 1937
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Glowing in the wind

The fifties were full of images of supersonic, futuristic and atomic regalia. Among all the fads and other ephemeral interests - who would have thought that amateur uranium hunting was so popular in the 1950's in the good old U.S.A?

This piece with "transistorized uranium finders" and "government cash bonuses" says it all - you buy amateur equipment, you stumble upon a rich uranium ore field and then you cash in the government bonus - easy.

It does not say anything at all about the nasty stuff; the fruitless weeks of rambling around the country waving a Geiger detector, the radiation poisoning or the long-term risk of leukemia.

Here's your chance to shine. Literally speaking.

"Uranium hunters", 1955
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Drive safe in the rain

Meet Mr. Vacuum. He is transparent, always wears a hat, hip glasses and a suit with a flower in the lapel. The height of gentlemen's fashion in the 1950's.

He also works powering windshield wipers in your car. Wait a second- are this Mad Ad Men actually using an outline of an invisible man to promote the wonders of vacuum? Bizarre.

A less-well known relative of the Invisible Man is helping you drive safely in the rain. Remember that.

"Mister Vacuum", 1955
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Plug and play

This is a fantastic piece from 1949 - television sets were fairly new back then and the consumerist boom of the 1950's was about to get in full swing.

But prices were still very high.

The smallest set on this ad is $229.95; back then it was 10% of the yearly average wage, or 25% of the average price of a brand new car. So buying a television set is an investment.

How do you sell it?

Make it easy to use. No aerial (antenna) - they all use the Philco Electronic Built-In Aerial System!

Just "Plug and Play". What a wonderful expression: it sold televisions back then, and it's still selling computers and operating systems right now.

"Just plug in and play", 1949
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An amazing vision indeed

This page is not an advertisement as such, but editorial content from 1927 and it predicts fairly accurately the world of the future. I mean, today.

Of course, there's a great deal of retro-future involved in this article. Like our perennial favourite, "flying cars" - but there's also plenty of references to real, current technologies: synthetic fibers, atomic power and even, portable music and voice-mail systems.

"Amazing vision", 1927
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